I belong to the greatest poetry site in the world thats own and ran by Ladessa i'm inspire to post this jorna l because she i join this poetic insight contest and couple other poets join the contest but the thing that amazeed me was Ladessa voted for me that one vote made me happy and made me think

becaus ei write but i'm not really that good but she saw alight somewhere and i'm so grateful for my aunt my cousin well you can say my whole family don't support me in my poetry and that really made my day i'm sure if you talk to any musiciam they would tell you just to get nominated for a grammy is an honour though winning will make you flip but to me the true honour is when somebody actually took the time to say i felt you

so i write from soul but nomore for the crowd nomore for the fame or recognition but for love which i seem to lost becaus ei desired the wrong thing i stop being humble and started get prideful and very egotisical and i'm so sorry so if anybody from tva read this i'm sorry and i love yall all of yall.

so i title this respect the poet in me because Ladessa emani ursula a.k.a. CGW. sunshine bonnie p snowflake zion and even dj has inspire and taught me i guess you can say knock me off my horse i am forever changed

and there was no slow worship music no preacher or choir it was my family not my extended family but my family people ive never seen has had a very postive effect on me

so respect the poet inme because apart of them is in me

Whatsup? its ya boy poetic emcee still doing his thang yes i'm still atva representer still writing poetry and i think i got a little better but compare to the talent thats on tva i ain't shit and that's for real.

sometimes i wish i could change or take back what i said on tva i put myself outthere and i mean way out there till i think some of the members of tva are scared to even talk to me and thats my fault i think intentionally push them away but now i want them to accept me and respect me but why should they when i say and do the wrong things.

anyway i'm still here Ladessa has been like a sister to me she don't know how much her poems her words of sisterly love and sometimes sisterly correction has been a tremoundus help i will always hold her in high standards as a Lady and friend.

Emani is also like a sister to me and shes very pretty but she got a mn so i'll stop there before rumors get started and i dont need no more drama and i dont want her to be mad at me.

am i maturing? maybe but i will always be that kid at heart plain and simple so let me be me for i am man rather yu choose to beklieve it or not and day before yesterday i took my last drink poetry will now be the liqour i get drunk off of i'm going to be thrirty two and i can't live the way i live before

katrina has scared me a signed that the lord is soon to come life is happening faster now girls are growuing up to fast i'm worry my neices and cousin will become a victim in this cruel world.

now i've always had sin faults and whatnots but i never blame anyone for them and one thing i want to get staright i never was adrinker actually i started at around 29 and i did it because i wanted to not because of peerpressure please believe i'm stubborn as they come but that first drink was wonderful it made me accepted so i though.

so fear has settle in and i'm afraid i will never be accepted in this rather id o good or bad so my motto now is fuck it fuck everyone who don't love me or respect me i'm doing me this time.

you know i'm not a perfect man

but why do women when they have a badday or when they get played by another nigga

they take it out on the the good man

well since my aunt serecia so call man richie

broke her heart

my aunt jackie and my aunt serecia been taking me through hell

i'm like damn what the fuck did i do?

and i am piss off about it

we agrue just about everyday now

over the same bullshit

i couldnt tell nobody this so i post it in my journal that nobody comes and read anyways

yes i am in a very bad mood

this almost makes me hate women

i dont who i can talk to anymore

i'm really about to lose it

Once again it seems like i'm losing everything

i don't know if it's the depression talking or not

but time is of the essence and i feel like i'm wasting precious seconds

i wish i wasn't so emotional or passionate

because it makes me to vulnerable

my mom made time for everybody except for me

i guess thats why i get mad when nobody share there time with me

like i share my time with them

i'm not saying i condone it but now i see why some men cheat not all men but some

because some men cheat because there not getting what they want from there wife or girlfriend

now some men cheat for pure lust

but some men want the conversation

it does my heart so good to hear a lady speak

and we conversated

time time time TIME TIME TIME

is of the essence

but if my mom never shared her time with me how can i expect anyone else to.

damn i'm started to hate time to.

i wonder do i have a target on my back

am i just pick on because maybe i am soft

why do i seem to end up alone

it seems like i always end up second

so this weekend i created my private sanctuary

where i don't have to worry about being loved

or why i'm not getting the attention that i deserve or desire

maybe i'm asking for to much so in my private world

i'm free

because lonelinesss is bad my thoughts begin to wonder

thats when i begin to write

i love sharing my thoughts on tva

but i dont want to be that member that only gets responesjust because i responded to there poem

i want to read or respond because they really like what i had to say

i just feel alone and i'm very unhappy

sad feeling very guilty and i don't know why

so i enter my private sanctuary which is more like a cave

i feel like whitney in the movie bodyguard who can i run to?

my arms are wide open but there is noone embacen me

my lips are speaking but there is none listening to me

and i really don't understand why

acceptence come easy for some people

but for me it's hard

i met my cousin for the first time on my dad side

and he is asshole just like my dad

i see where i get my fuck up attitude from

i won't go to much into it because i'll get angry

anyways i'm just tire sick and tire

i think it's time i go to sleep.

i think it's true we do hurt the ones we love

why i don't know

while my cousin charmaine clean up her house all she said the whole time i was down there that men aint nothing but fuck ups

and i am one of them

i don't know why i thought i was so perfect and good

especially when i look at my family tree

i guess my mom saw it before i grew up

she been blaming for dad mistakes and fuck ups

but wasn't it her fuck up choice to stay

yeah i did my dirt flirted and all

but i never hitt a woman

and never will

so i brush that dirt of your shoulder ma

just know i never hitt a woman

or fuck women and impregnate them and then left them

so yes i'm a fuck up

i'm a fuck up

and i'm going to fuck up more

so don't trust me i'm a fuck up!!!!

i'm in a real pissy mood about february 14 valitines day

i think its just because im in a bad mood

its like im lock in anger

all i can do is think mad thoughts

yes im angry of enough to kill

myself and someone else

ive been listening to easy listening music to calm down

drinking hot tea with lemon in it

i need to go talk back to therapist

i guess my cousin lamont is right i am crazy

i do feel like i'm slippeng

hopefully i get out of this slump

writing poetry ha shelp

because i havent been writing in awhile but while i'm in anger mood i'm going to write my fat ass off

before i do something stupid

peace for me

once agin pray for me

that i keep my thoughts on wax

well i'm back sorry for staying away so long

just been going through some shit

truthfully i didnt think anybody being reading my thought

so i am shock

my brain i think has short circuited so i havent been writing

i've been shutting myself up in my room in the darkness

not talking to noone

my aunt and her friend they been saying you going back upstairs agin for long hours

i tell them so the fuck what

at least i'm not drinking so shut the fuck up

yes im in an evil ass mood

it doesnt matter i gets no form of affection or compassion anyway

now this may come off as whining

well so be it

if you think it is

than so be it

you dont live with me

to all my tva family i love yall

now its time for me to eat

its another bad habit i got besides drinking

pray for me

if not thats cool

bye.

whats up? i wnat to take this time to say i'm sorry to anyone i offended in the year 2004

if you dont accept my apolgies then fuck u and your grand ma to lol

but to my peops i say happy new year

i got drunk and i mean drunk

yeah i know i need jesus

all day iwa sthinking why the new men have to pay for what the ex did?

it ain't fair it aint right

i'm not crting or whining about it

but i dont like it

just think about it like this

when women finally get the strength to stand up who they lay the smackdown onyou got it the new men in there life

i just dont understand that

anyway

happy new years

and im out peace